Birthday wishes

Happy Birthday, my amazing muse,

I am suspending my existing exile to wish you a felicitous and truly enjoyable birthday, birthweek, birthmonth.

Love,
Tu Rey de siempre

Promises made

I would like to recount a conversation which took place a couple of months ago.  This took place after my Muse and I had a rendezvous at an unnamed national capital, where we enjoyed each other's company in more ways than one.  We had decided that this would be a one and only meeting to fulfill what we felt for each other, but given our current circumstances we would each go back to our respective lives.  Naturally, as my Muse is such an honest and straightforward person, her husband found out that something took place.  In the interest of full disclosure, here is the message I received the week after that weekend, the names and places have been changed to protect the innocent:

I would like for you to provide me with a detailed description of what occurred this weekend between [Muse] and yourself from the moment I dropped her off at the airport in [big city] on Friday until the moment I picked her up in [big city] on Sunday. How honest you are and how descriptive you are will help me determine if I share any of my knowledge with your wife and how that may impact your children. I want to know all details such as where you went, what you did, what things you offered her, what type of physical and sexual contact you had, and where you ended the weekend with what the future holds for the two of you. I need to hear from you. [Muse] has said from day 1 you have always wanted to talk to me about your relationship so here is your chance to be a man. 

Naturally, I was taken aback by such a threat.  Although I have to admit that I wasn't as scared as I imagined I would be in this situation; part of me thought, "Good, let's get it over with and bring out the truth.  Then I can live the rest of my life with my Muse."  Of course the responsible father in me vetoed that thought and I responded thus:

First of all I would like you to know that I do not appreciate being threatened. 

Secondly, I don't know what you expect to accomplish by my answering your questions and providing details. If you are asking them you must have your suspicions or have been told what took place. If there is anything specific that you would like to know, please ask. But asking for "all details" doesn't accomplish much.

[My Muse] holds a very special place in my heart. I hate to see her suffer like she has recently and want to help her as much as I can. What we had between us in the last six months (or the last 13 years) is unexplainable and perhaps unfair that it has remained unfulfilled.

I can tell you this much, however, if you truly love [my Muse], which I am convinced that you do, you will not mention any of this to my family. The only thing keeping me from asking [my Muse] to come away with me is the commitment and loyalty to my wife and kids. If that bond were to be broken there would be no reason for me to stay away. You know that I have had some problems with my wife and that it will not take much to end my marriage.

I do want to apologize to you for any hurt that I may have caused. [My Muse] is an amazing woman and deserves to be given the world. You have in your power the ability to do that-she is the most honest person I know (to a fault, perhaps) and all you have to do is listen and give her what she asks for.

As for how things ended, we both decided that there will be no contact between us after this past weekend. I told her that she should work on her relationship with you just as she has told me to work on mine. You have my word that I will not try to contact [my Muse] as long as she is OK and we both remain married. I have asked her to call me if she needs support or help, but all that is up to you.

Finally, I told [My Muse] that if we were meant to be together fate would intervene. It now appears that you hold her fate in your fingertips. Funny how things work... 

Sadly, in an act of pure weakness, I left a message for her on Tuesday.  Of course, I knew that she wasn't there and I would leave a voicemail.  Still, I feel like I have gone back on my word.  I am fine with answering her calls, because she wouldn't call unless she needed me - but when I take the initiative it means that I'm going back on my word and, worse, maintaining a relationship with her in which I cannot give her what she needs.  Am I stringing her along for selfish reasons?  As you can see from previous posts, I can't get her out of my mind, my dreams, my thoughts, my fantasies.  I know she's hurting, too.  I know exactly what she needs, but right now the price seems too high...

O Fates, whither dost thou send me?

You make me smile

I just thought you'd like to know that you make me smile every time I see a picture of you.

Thanks.

Morning coffee

Here I am in my office, enjoying my morning java and trying to corral my thoughts in to a cohesive, comprehensive post.  It's been a whirlwind week with my travels, coming home, being severely missed by my younger son who won't let me out of his sight.  My wife and other son also missed me, I'm sure, but they are in their own world and too busy with their problems to really share of themselves.

And though I enjoy it and welcome it (after all it's nice to be missed), my thoughts continuously go to her.  It's interesting; it isn't quite as intense as it was a couple of months ago.  I'm not sure I could take it if it was.  It is now more of a memory, a nice memory, of a time to which I would like to return.  Whenever I have a moment to myself; like when I am looking at my reflection in the bathroom, I smile to myself and think of my muse.

Sometimes I scare myself and wonder if it was just a nice dream.  Whether I imagined it all.  Of course, if I had imagined it I would have certainly given it a much happier ending.  I constantly remember her looking at me at the airport and mouthing out the words "silly boy."  That memory breaks my heart and will be with me always...

I am a silly boy and I made my choice.  But I'm still not sure that I made the right one- and that kills me.  How many people are given the chance to see what their life would have been like if they had taken the other path?  What if Clarence had shown George Bailey what life would have been like if he didn't choose to stay in Bedford Falls and found out that he would have met a beautiful brunette during a build in Chicago and they traveled the world enjoying life and making love in Venice, Paris, Bombay and Sydney?  That would have made for a very different story.

In a way I feel lucky to have had the opportunity to see what my other life would have been like.  On the other hand, I think it's kind of cruel for the fates to hold my muse up in front of me and say, "here she is, the love of your life, everything you ever wanted.  And the only thing you have to do is give up your children's happiness."  What a choice, what a world.

It isn't that I'm not satisfied with my life.  It's pretty decent as far as lives go.  I have a wife who puts up with my crap and who is appreciative of me being there, children who still laugh at my jokes and with who I can share my knowledge, a scrappy little dog that seems to love me despite everything and a job that lets me do a lot of the things I like.  I think that if I had not met my muse I may have been happy in my ignorance - and yet - I would have always wondered if there was more.  I know that I've always had the potential for more.

Is it the sex?  No, not really.  Yes, my muse is an extremely sexual being, just like me, who likes to play and enjoy all the pleasures of the body.  That's one thing that ties us together.  But there was more over the past few months that we shared outside of sex or sexual conversations.  There are so many topics which we discussed and never really fully covered.  I want to finish our conversations on politics, religion, history, baseball.  I want to hear more of her thoughts on current events, on music, on why John Mayer should be considered a musician (j/k).  I want her to beat me at Scrabble, eventually.  I want to play strip Monopoly with her...Ok, that's back to the sex part, but one can never really get away from it, right?

I love her body, her soul, her spirit, her energy and I really admire her ability to make the best of it as I've seen her do on Facebook these past few weeks.

Funny.  I thought that putting these thoughts together would help me to feel better about my decision.  It turns out that typing this is actually making me feel like crap.  My heart is breaking all over again.  I miss her...

Cyber Stalking

So, yes, I can admit that I am not above cyber-stalking my muse.  I check on what's going on regularly, just to make sure that she's OK.  Really, I just want to know that she's happy.  Of course, our last conversation revealed to me that she could be happier and I want to do everything for her....

Anyway, I just found out through my surreptitious spying that she is taking classes in Spanish.  Perhaps she will be able to translate this:

"Te amo, mi amor, espero que estemos juntos muy pronto.  Ya sabes que no puedo vivir sin ti y que pienso en ti cada dia.  Eres tu en la que pienso cada dia al despertar.  No se como puedes resistir la tentacion de no hablar conmigo.  Yo solamente no llamo por la promesa que te di.  Espero con ansiedad el dia en que estemos juntos."

Ideas

So I have about half a dozen thoughts, ideas, titles, half finished stories and generally a bunch of other kernels of short (and long) stories that may eventually lead to a finished story.  Part of the problem is not having dedicated time to sit and write.  Another part of the problem is that when I do have time I could dedicate to writing, I end up doing other things like surfing the 'net, watching crap television or playing video games.  Sometimes I spend it playing the sax and that's not too bad a reason for not writing; at least I'm trading one type of art-form for another.

I've got a business trip next week to Minnesota, which means I'll have some plane time and, maybe, some time alone in the hotel.  I also won't have my sax with me so I am going to try to flesh out some of these stories and ideas.  Here is just a tease of the topics from stuff I've started, some of them are only titles; others are more developed.  I keep them in a folder called "Musings."

"Strangers in D.C."
"Parallel Lives"
"Smartphone Adventure"
"Conversations with Nell" (I just thought of this on my drive this morning)
"Stephan and Hubert"
...and a few others without title.

Wish me luck and send some thoughts my way, O Muse!

Writer's block

Wouldn't you know it.  I receive a call from my muse and get all giddy with delight.  Then, when I get a chance to sit down this weekend I stare frozen at my computer screen not knowing what to write.

Since I keep this blog completely separated from my day to day life (because it makes me feel like a super hero with a secret identity), I only get a one or two times during the weekend to post.   And I blew it!!!

O Muse, if you are out there, send me your inspiration, your thoughts, your soul.  Enchant my fingertips with your magic and help me write my prose.

Or maybe you did send your magic and there was a traffic jam of inspiration in my brain...I can't wait until it is dislodged and comes spewing out all over you.  I'll keep stroking my, er, pen.

Smiles, everyone, smiles!

Welcome to Fantasy Island!  I am your host, Mr. Rourke and this is my friend, Tatoo.



It is going to be a great Labor Day weekend.  Stay tuned.

I love you my muse

Today I found a missed call from my muse.  Unfortunately I wasn't near my phone to take it.  I hope she's OK.

Just the thought that she might try to call again is filling me with hope.  I love the way she makes me feel even when we don't talk.  She's always done that to me: made me feel giddy just thinking that she'll call.  Even 14 years ago, when we had just finished lunch and though she would call me in the afternoon.  I couldn't concentrate on work and would stare at the phone willing it to ring.

That was when I knew she was talking to me; before she said goodbye.  Now, even though we're not supposed to be talking, I still wait in anticipation for her call.

Not that I doubted it, but I never stopped and never will stop loving her.

Busy, busy, busy

Haven't posted much to this site.  It is a strange thing because for a while it was the only thing I could think about.  There's been a lot going through my head and I wish that I had time to write it down because as soon as I sit in front of the keyboard, the thought flies away like a scarf in the wind never to be recovered.

I've spent a lot of time pondering change and just can't get over that edge.  It is a constant fight between what I should do, what I could do and my inability to face the consequences of any missteps.

Well, at least I've got this little area of the virtual world to which I can cling.

Crazy Summer

It's been an interesting roller-coaster summer so far.  I wonder how it will end.

I got your message, maybe I should try listening to John Legend.

Not much to say today

Funny, but when I am away from the computer, there is a wealth of thoughts going through my head.  Once I get time to sit down, though, I draw a blank.  Yes, I know, not a very original complaint, but probably more true because of it commonality.

What can I say, perhaps I am just like everybody else (surprise, surprise).

Wow!  Am I having a down day or what?  Perhaps a visit from my muse would help; but, alas, it is not to be.

Here is a thought for the day:  How do we interact with our fate?  Do we work with it to maximize its effect?  Or do we just relax and let it take us?  How can we recognize it while it is happening?  Or maybe it's just a matter of interpretation after the fact...

Rough Draft

So here's something I wrote on a plane ride home.  I've only give it  a once-over, but I wanted to hear someone else's thoughts.  Feel free to be cruel - you can't hurt my feelings.

It was a black dress.

He knew it would be a black dress...it usually was.

He sat quietly in the corner, trying not to be noticed.  It was not as easy a task as one would expect in such a crowded bar.  The waitress had immediately noticed him when he sat down and had rushed over to take his drink order.  It was only after her fourth return trip that she realized that he was nursing his drink and how fruitless her tip-generating smile and cleavage would be.  He wasn’t in the mood to flirt tonight.  He was here for a purpose, although he did amuse himself by people watching - one of his favorite hobbies – before she walked in. 

It was a fun enough pastime: observing other people’s fun.  A bachelorette party in one corner, a first date in another, a group of office co-workers gathering for a drink, exhaustedly discussing today’s gossip.  He could clearly see hints of an illicit office romance between the overly made up administrative assistant and the young up and coming professional.  He briefly longed for that kind of freedom which these two had in their not to well hidden flirtations.  In a younger life, it would have been him making the witty comments that gave the would-be party its life and character, while at the same time knowingly glancing at her, letting her know that it was all in her honor – as if she was the muse that enabled his charms.  He wondered where they would end up tonight and if he or she would have to lie when they got home.

But this was not what he was here for tonight.  Tonight was his ritual, his annual pilgrimage, his kept promise.  He had arrived early not wanting to repeat previous mistakes.  He had chosen an ideal spot; having to wait for a young couple who, for obvious reasons, had coveted the same hidden spot at the bar.  After the girl’s cosmos and his vodka-tonics, they gathered the courage to move on with the festivities.  He watched with amusement as the girl touched the guy’s arm and played with her hair constantly and more obsessively as the social lubrication from the drinks kicked in.  Only after the guy’s third drink did he summon the courage to notice her hints and asked for the check.  With a look of near relief she mouthed “okay” and got her purse.  He quickly paid the bill and rushed her off to who knows where – although anyone watching closely knew exactly where.

How long had it been? How long had he been doing this?  He didn’t dare to count; it would be too disappointing and probably embarrassing.  He glanced at his watch; almost time.  She was nothing if not punctual, a welcome change.  He could count on her – at least he thought he could.  This was his chance to remind himself of what could have been.  His parallel life; his denied chance at…  He couldn’t even dare to think it; it was too painful even now.

Finally, she walked into the room in her little black dress.  Holding his hand.  Had she changed?  He couldn’t tell.  He had been covertly spying on her via Facebook for a while now and watching her age with every new picture, every party, every vacation trip.  He’d promised not to contact her, but that didn’t prevent him from keeping tabs.  Only on this occasion did he risk it all by seeing her in person.  And only once, the last time, did he suspect that she might be on to him, although he wasn’t sure.  Still, almost getting caught wasn’t enough of a deterrent and here he was again.

She was surrounded by family and sat at the usual table.  She seemed happy; that was important.  His choice would have been much more painful if she wasn’t happy.  He sat close enough to hear a distant conversation, but could not hear the details.  He could tell that they had made a day of it.  The exhausted smiles of a fun-filled day were on everyone’s face.  Some out of place hair and flushed faces gave evidence of having been at the park or at the harbor.  He imagined himself as part of the group, laughing and joking along with them; sharing an ice cream or grabbing some nearby stones to show off his juggling.  But that was not to be, he knew now.  He missed his chance.

Still, his other half, the one that didn’t’ regret his choice, knew that it had all been for the best.  He had made a sane and rational choice.  It would be a long flight home, but the following afternoon he would be back to his “real” life.  His chosen life; the one filled with material success and the envy of all his friends.  The life that, not long ago, he could not sacrifice even for the most honorable of reasons.  It was the success that he had wished for as a child.  Well, be careful what you ask for, as the proverb says.

He studied her closely, as if it might be for the last time.  It could be.  Despite the congenial smile on her face, he thought he detected a faint trace of apprehension.  Maybe she could sense him nearby or maybe it was just more wishful thinking.  He had been very careful, this was his only little indulgence and he would hate to lose this small freedom.  Still, he thought, what if?  Maybe it wasn’t too late for a second chance.  Maybe she had seen him last time and said nothing in the hopes of another chance.  No! He told himself.  He can’t afford to go down that road.

He looked again, the apprehension in her face disappeared, and she was now excitedly talking to a cousin with a huge smile on her face as she discussed what could only be a recently received present.  The thumping in his chest relaxed to its normal state.  He felt relieved about not having to make that choice again.  If he had it to do over again, he thought, would he go the same way?  Having experienced what he had he wasn’t so sure.  Yet, alls well that ends well and it all seemed to be as it should be.  As if all that talk about waiting for fate to step in was worthless.  And yet…

Still nursing his drink, he noticed her take a sip of hers and dare a glance around the room.  His heart stopped.  While everyone around her joked with the waitress she was quietly surveying the bar.  Her eyes stopped as they spotted his location.  Could she see him?  It was a dark room; he was sure he was invisible.  Her smile quickly answered his questions.  Quickly, she composed herself and joined the conversation.  No one even knew that her attention had deviated.   She was very good at this.

He took one last sip of his scotch and rose from his chair.

Contact

So I just had an intense feeling of "connection" between myself and my Muse (I think).  If I let my imagination get a hold of me, I think she was just masturbating with thoughts of our last encounter.  I could just feel herself grinding and thinking of my hands caressing her butt and her back.  I could feel her eyes locking onto mine as I came in her mouth that last time.  I got goosebumps as I remembered her calling my name as she hit her orgasm.

I hope that's the reason that I felt her and not just because I miss her.  I just needed to post this in case she's reading this and let her know that I enjoyed her orgasm too.

Philosophy

I've been listening to a philosophy podcast on my iPod on my commute to/from work.  I didn't know that philosophy was alive and well.  My viewpoint while in college was that there were too many students of philosophy and not enough philosophers in the world. Everyone discussed what everyone else thought about the world, but there weren't enough thinkers.

Well, it seems that I was wrong.  I've only heard a handful of podcasts (at 12-15 minutes there is only room for a couple per day), but it seems that there is a lot of conversation about the meaning of life, the existence of evil and even the philosophy of wine.

I'm really enjoying the discourse and I wish I could get in on the action.  Unfortunately, I am not schooled or well read enough to keep up with a lot of these discussions - something I will need to work on.  In the meantime, I wish I had someone with which I could discuss these topics.  Alas, the one person ideal for this situation is no longer in my life (see previous posts - you didn't think I'd go this long without mentioning my Muse did you?).

What I would really love to do is to combine philosophy with current events.  I'll have to keep looking (or listening).

I'm feeling her today

For some reason, I am imagining feeling her body, seeing her curves, touching her skin.

A couple of days ago I couldn't make metaphysical contact with her, but today she is very present in my subconscious.  I can almost feel her body against mine.

Are you there, Muse?  Is everything OK?

But Enough About Me

Despite my recent bouts of amorous insanity.  I still intend for this blog to take on other issues about how this world works and how it should work.  Ms. Udall makes some excellent, if not uncomfortable, points about how Adam Smith would view the world today.

Maxine Udall 21st Century Regress

I especially like the idea of an autonomously moral being and by extension autonomously moral corporations.  As a natural free-market fiscal conservative, it is difficult for me to argue that companies should operate for more than just stockholder's equity and that anything short of maximizing returns (not profits) is not in their best interest.

But there seems to be more to it than just that in today's business world.  It appears that any corporate entity will take advantage of given circumstances to increase their wealth.  This includes currying favors with government, placing barriers of entry to competition and using the "law" to get away with activities which may harm society or the future of society.  Taking advantage of loopholes, or worse yet, helping to write laws that are only in your favor is akin to insisting on playing Monopoly with your own loaded dice and then sneering at others for not having the same "luck" as you do.

While I am mostly against government regulation, I believe that there is a place for government.  That is, government officials are there to ensure fair play and that everyone has a chance to succeed.  No more, no less.  I don't believe that our current government structure is living up to that standard.  Government officials are people too and they can be easily persuaded to go against the good of society as long as they can get away with it; as long as it is still within the rules.

What to do?  I'm not sure.  But something should be done.

News flash!

I still miss her.

Although this morning, for some reason, I can't feel her like I usually do.  My heart/soul/essence is reaching out for her, but can't seem to make contact.  It is weird how sometimes I can feel her thinking about me, but today I can't.

Perhaps she finally was able to let me go.  Maybe she's happier now living her life without searching for me.  At least I hope so.

Inspirational

I'm a little late to the party here, but I just found out that Manute Bol recently passed away.

http://slacktivist.typepad.com/slacktivist/2010/06/big-shoes.html

After reading this post, I am deeply saddened that 1) the world has lost such a great man and 2) That I never realized what a great man he was.

I think I have a new hero.

Always Keep Your Promises

She asked me to love her...I already do.
She asked me to be with her...I was.
She asked me to spend the rest of my life with her...I can't.

Yesterday she said goodbye.

Perhaps I am the silly boy which she accuses me to be.  Maybe I am a fool for making the choices I've made.  I don't know; it certainly doesn't feel good.  It probably wouldn't feel good if I chose differently either.  I'm stuck.

Do I sacrifice the psyches of my children and the life that I've built around me for the sake of my heart?  Isn't that what all the romance novels, love stories and sonnets ask us to do?  The reality is much harder.  How can I look my son in the face and tell him that I'm leaving?  How can I face the seething hate of a spouse when I tell her that she can no longer lean on me?  Or are these just excuses because I am just a silly boy who doesn't want to jump into the pool for fear that he might drown...

Yesterday she said goodbye.

And I miss her.  But it's only just one day.  Maybe it will get easier; maybe in a week I won't feel as wounded when I picture her mouthing out the words to me "silly boy" and walking away at the airport terminal.  I know that I am deluding myself by thinking that she will always be there.  I don't know how she can be after what I've done to hurt her.  She put herself on the line (once again) and I turned away.  How can I do such a thing to her? Why would she come back?  Why would she believe me again?  Ever?

Is it that important to me to keep my promises?  I guess it is.  I guess it will have to be.  It is the only thing remaining in my life:  to keep my promises.  I will do it in her honor.  I will do it for our love.  I will be the strong man that she expects me to be - the man that she expects.  Even if she is not there to witness it - even if she's not here to read this.

I will keep all my promises:  from signing my credit cards to getting that mole checked out to being a good father and husband.  I will fulfill my potential because of her.  She's already made me a better man and what does she get in return?

Yesterday she said goodbye.

I spend way too much time on my phone...

Solitaire Scores

Advice??

Been a while since I posted...had a lot on my mind, but not enough time to write it down.  Had to share this, though:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1182873/BEL-MOONEY-Should-I-leave-wife-love-life.html


What do you think?

Immodest proposal: Buy A Sex Toy Day!

I fully endorse this! This is quickly becoming my favorite blog.

Immodest proposal: Buy A Sex Toy Day!

I got a blowjob today

It wasn't very good, but it was a blowjob.  Basically, I think it's the attitude that turns me off - she doesn't like to give them and it shows.

This is more what I had in mind:
http://www.pornotubia.com/details/253147/Wife_Gives_A_Meticulous_Blowjob.html

I wonder if I'll ever get anything close.

I've lost a friend

My Muse is the person that was made for me, we are so aligned in our sexuality.  When we parted a couple of days ago, I felt like a part of my soul was extricated; never to be replaced again except by her.  But she sounded so hurt that I just had to let her go without letting her know that I would do anything to keep her from suffering.

Alas, we have parted ways once again.  I can only hope that fate will bring us together - despite the fact that I tend not to believe in such things.

Despite the fact that I felt this way from the beginning, it is starting to dawn on me that I have also lost a very good friend.  Someone I could share myself with without fear of repercussions.  I have lost a sounding board, a counselor, an advisor.  Someone who would tell me if I was full of shit.  She was/is a true friend.

I know I'm being selfish by wanting her back - and that she is probably much happier living her life right now, without being torn apart by conflicting interests.  And yet....

In her last note to me she mentioned that I need to record my life so that, when we meet again, I can re-live it with her once more.  Perhaps that is what I need to do with this blog.

Thank you, my dear readers (of which there are none) for putting up with my ramblings.  We will now return to our regularly scheduled blog.  No need to readjust your set, the description of the blog will now be the true reflection of the mission.  and as every Little League coach has said, "Let's have some fun out there."

Today she said goodbye

I don't accept it.  I know that we will speak again, that we will see each other.  But somehow this time it was a sad goodbye and I know that she is hurting.

Today she said goodbye.

And I know I will always be here for her, but in her mind she has lost me and that is the saddest thing I can imagine happening to her.  I wish I could make it all better, that I could throw this all away and go to her.  I know now that I can - it's just a matter of deciding.

Today she said goodbye.

But I refuse to let her go.

What do I do now?

She unfriended me on Facebook, she cancelled her gmail account.  I wonder if she'll take my phone calls.

She did manage to say goodbye before she did it; but it still leaves me with a deep, empty feeling.  Is it the fact that she rejected me or is there more to it?  (I think I know the answer to that).

I have a wife and kids...and a life.  She has a husband and kids and a life.  We have no business being together, and yet...

I will treasure the moments we had together, the laughs, the discourses, the lust, the scotch.  I refuse to believe that it is over.  And because of that, I know that it is not.

But for now I will just love her from afar.

Au revoir, My Muse

Holy Shit! I am having a midlife crisis.

Some of you may wonder why I even need an alter ego.  Why this need to escape from the life that I have.  A lot of people who know me in my "real" life would be surprised at the fact that my marriage isn't perfect.  This is a typical conversation lately:

Me:  "I understand that we are not in a place where we need to be for you to be happy; it's just going to take a while.  In the meantime you should enjoy the ride and not worry about the destination-be happy with what we have and where we are."

Her: "But there's nothing to be happy about.  What is there to enjoy?"

I then point out that the fact that we have a home, our kids go to good schools (as good as they can be in the US), music lessons, Disney passes.  We have to nice cars, etc.  Apparently this is not good enough.

It is then that I realize that I've spent the last 16 years trying to make someone happy that is not capable of being happy.  At least not without winning the lottery, apparently.  When we were doing better financially, she was unhappy because she could not quit her job.  Now she resents having to work while the children grew up - and missed their childhood.  I know things aren't perfect right now, but they're getting better.  The only question is:  Will it ever be good enough?

I am having a midlife crisis because I have reached a point in my life where I am being selfish.  I want to enjoy life as it is; of course I always have.  But I would like to be able to get from her more than "What if we do this?" and "Why can't we go to Hawaii like all our other friends?"  I've spent the last 16 years giving of myself and assuming that I can be happy anywhere in any situation, which is true, but now I want to be happy WITH someone and not despite them.  Our kids are going to suffer as well.  Our oldest already has that disposition of not being happy with anything.  He thinks his life is horrible and unfair.  We've had to sit him down and let him know how good he has it and how much worse it could be (Living in a one bedroom 800ft house with two adults and three kids being one of them).  The younger one has a better disposition and life will be good for him- but he seems to crave more and more attention because he's not getting much.  My efforts right now are on my wife, my oldest son and doing better at my job so we can have a better life.

I wonder also whether this is something that's come about naturally or whether I am being more selfish because I have found someone who really appreciates me and loves me (see previous posts).  I hate to think that the only reason I'm being this "brave" and letting her know that I am unhappy is that there is a safety net for me.  That I can lose what I have and would have someone waiting for me.  I'm not that type of guy.

Like I said before, this is not the way this blog is supposed to go.  Thanks for indulging me.  I will stop bringing my "other" life into this and post some fun stuff later.

Victor

I should have posted this before

So this blog is not exactly what I imagined it would be (what in life is?).

I should probably mention that the ex-girlfriend with whom I reconnected back in December is back in my life.  That was not the last conversation that we had.  In fact, we've had many.  Some of it is sexual, most of it is about other stuff:  intellectual conversations, marriage/parenting advice, catching up on what has transpired over the last decade, disagreeing on political and religious views, and Scrabble.

I still feel like I share a very strong chemistry with her.  I know that I love her and that I will never be able to live without her in my life.  So why is it that I can't drop everything and go to her?  Why am I still tied to the life I have? (which isn't bad...it's just not great)

I have explained to her, let's refer to her as My Muse, that the reason why I am not satisfied with my current life is that, while I love my wife and I would do anything to make her happy, she doesn't fulfill me the way I think she should.  I'm not sure that it is in her nature to be able to.  I explained it to My Muse in this way:  My wife drinks from my cup and I am happy to give from it just to make her happy, but My Muse fills my cup and makes me feel awesome about life.

I would have a wonderful existence with My Muse if only I was courageous enough to leave my wife and kids.  But it would be selfish of me to do it and abandon my family.  I've been accused of being selfish before, why can't I do this for myself now?

I couldn't do it

So I've been working with my wife to have a better sex life (with the help of another woman, but that's an entirely different story which I will relate another time).  It has been better lately and she seems to be opening up sexually.

This morning she was giving me a blowjob.  Something which I have asked her to do often and she has reluctantly agreed to do.  She began, of course, by saying, "All right, I might as well get this over with because I want some coffee."  What a turn on, huh?  As a guy, I really don't care how I get it as long as I do and I'm not going to back out of it no matter what she says.  She's done it before and it hasn't bothered me.  It is better than nothing, right?  There was only one problem:

I couldn't come.

  This made her feel frustrated and a failure and the harder she tried, the harder I know she was frustrated and the more difficult it became to feel right and climax.  After a while she stopped and we talked about it and she accused me of holding back and being in control.. Then she tried again and it still didn't work - which lead to further conversation.  Eventually, we gave up and as I was putting on my clothes she suggested we have sex.  Which we did and she had a good orgasm.  I'm still not sure I did - I may have.

Is something wrong with me?  I was definitely hard and could have come if I masturbated (she took offense when I began to stroke myself, saying "Why can't I do it?").  Is there something else?  Am I in love with someone else?

What the hell is going on?

Never thought I'd be in this position

Over the winter break, I reconnected with an old girlfriend.  I have never gotten over her and probably never will.  When I first met her, about 12 years ago, I was married and she was not.  Yes, I cheated on my wife - although only with her giving me blowjobs (still the best I've ever had).  The chemistry that we shared, for it was more than sexual attraction, seemed to immediately pick back up where it left off a dozen years ago.  Amazing.

Part of me still feels that maybe I made a mistake and I should have opted to spend my life with her instead of my wife.  But I guess we'll never know.

The problem is that now she is married and has a child with her husband.  Although we didn't do anything sexual - probably due to the fact that we live about 2,000 miles apart - I can't deny that I didn't want to pick up where we left off and then some.  She confessed that she would not have minded either, but, of course, there is the complication of her marriage.

The point is moot, however.  Her husband confronted her about the numerous text messages she and I traded and asked her why she was up past midnight chatting on Facebook with me.  I don't know exactly what she said, but it doesn't seem to have gone well.  Our phone conversation today was probably our last.  She needs to be with her husband and I understand.  I hope I haven't screwed anything up for her.  To be honest, though, my selfish side (and my ego) would like to have her all to myself again, even though I am too chickenshit to give up my marriage for her.

I am such a bastard!