Promises made

I would like to recount a conversation which took place a couple of months ago.  This took place after my Muse and I had a rendezvous at an unnamed national capital, where we enjoyed each other's company in more ways than one.  We had decided that this would be a one and only meeting to fulfill what we felt for each other, but given our current circumstances we would each go back to our respective lives.  Naturally, as my Muse is such an honest and straightforward person, her husband found out that something took place.  In the interest of full disclosure, here is the message I received the week after that weekend, the names and places have been changed to protect the innocent:

I would like for you to provide me with a detailed description of what occurred this weekend between [Muse] and yourself from the moment I dropped her off at the airport in [big city] on Friday until the moment I picked her up in [big city] on Sunday. How honest you are and how descriptive you are will help me determine if I share any of my knowledge with your wife and how that may impact your children. I want to know all details such as where you went, what you did, what things you offered her, what type of physical and sexual contact you had, and where you ended the weekend with what the future holds for the two of you. I need to hear from you. [Muse] has said from day 1 you have always wanted to talk to me about your relationship so here is your chance to be a man. 

Naturally, I was taken aback by such a threat.  Although I have to admit that I wasn't as scared as I imagined I would be in this situation; part of me thought, "Good, let's get it over with and bring out the truth.  Then I can live the rest of my life with my Muse."  Of course the responsible father in me vetoed that thought and I responded thus:

First of all I would like you to know that I do not appreciate being threatened. 

Secondly, I don't know what you expect to accomplish by my answering your questions and providing details. If you are asking them you must have your suspicions or have been told what took place. If there is anything specific that you would like to know, please ask. But asking for "all details" doesn't accomplish much.

[My Muse] holds a very special place in my heart. I hate to see her suffer like she has recently and want to help her as much as I can. What we had between us in the last six months (or the last 13 years) is unexplainable and perhaps unfair that it has remained unfulfilled.

I can tell you this much, however, if you truly love [my Muse], which I am convinced that you do, you will not mention any of this to my family. The only thing keeping me from asking [my Muse] to come away with me is the commitment and loyalty to my wife and kids. If that bond were to be broken there would be no reason for me to stay away. You know that I have had some problems with my wife and that it will not take much to end my marriage.

I do want to apologize to you for any hurt that I may have caused. [My Muse] is an amazing woman and deserves to be given the world. You have in your power the ability to do that-she is the most honest person I know (to a fault, perhaps) and all you have to do is listen and give her what she asks for.

As for how things ended, we both decided that there will be no contact between us after this past weekend. I told her that she should work on her relationship with you just as she has told me to work on mine. You have my word that I will not try to contact [my Muse] as long as she is OK and we both remain married. I have asked her to call me if she needs support or help, but all that is up to you.

Finally, I told [My Muse] that if we were meant to be together fate would intervene. It now appears that you hold her fate in your fingertips. Funny how things work... 

Sadly, in an act of pure weakness, I left a message for her on Tuesday.  Of course, I knew that she wasn't there and I would leave a voicemail.  Still, I feel like I have gone back on my word.  I am fine with answering her calls, because she wouldn't call unless she needed me - but when I take the initiative it means that I'm going back on my word and, worse, maintaining a relationship with her in which I cannot give her what she needs.  Am I stringing her along for selfish reasons?  As you can see from previous posts, I can't get her out of my mind, my dreams, my thoughts, my fantasies.  I know she's hurting, too.  I know exactly what she needs, but right now the price seems too high...

O Fates, whither dost thou send me?

You make me smile

I just thought you'd like to know that you make me smile every time I see a picture of you.

Thanks.

Morning coffee

Here I am in my office, enjoying my morning java and trying to corral my thoughts in to a cohesive, comprehensive post.  It's been a whirlwind week with my travels, coming home, being severely missed by my younger son who won't let me out of his sight.  My wife and other son also missed me, I'm sure, but they are in their own world and too busy with their problems to really share of themselves.

And though I enjoy it and welcome it (after all it's nice to be missed), my thoughts continuously go to her.  It's interesting; it isn't quite as intense as it was a couple of months ago.  I'm not sure I could take it if it was.  It is now more of a memory, a nice memory, of a time to which I would like to return.  Whenever I have a moment to myself; like when I am looking at my reflection in the bathroom, I smile to myself and think of my muse.

Sometimes I scare myself and wonder if it was just a nice dream.  Whether I imagined it all.  Of course, if I had imagined it I would have certainly given it a much happier ending.  I constantly remember her looking at me at the airport and mouthing out the words "silly boy."  That memory breaks my heart and will be with me always...

I am a silly boy and I made my choice.  But I'm still not sure that I made the right one- and that kills me.  How many people are given the chance to see what their life would have been like if they had taken the other path?  What if Clarence had shown George Bailey what life would have been like if he didn't choose to stay in Bedford Falls and found out that he would have met a beautiful brunette during a build in Chicago and they traveled the world enjoying life and making love in Venice, Paris, Bombay and Sydney?  That would have made for a very different story.

In a way I feel lucky to have had the opportunity to see what my other life would have been like.  On the other hand, I think it's kind of cruel for the fates to hold my muse up in front of me and say, "here she is, the love of your life, everything you ever wanted.  And the only thing you have to do is give up your children's happiness."  What a choice, what a world.

It isn't that I'm not satisfied with my life.  It's pretty decent as far as lives go.  I have a wife who puts up with my crap and who is appreciative of me being there, children who still laugh at my jokes and with who I can share my knowledge, a scrappy little dog that seems to love me despite everything and a job that lets me do a lot of the things I like.  I think that if I had not met my muse I may have been happy in my ignorance - and yet - I would have always wondered if there was more.  I know that I've always had the potential for more.

Is it the sex?  No, not really.  Yes, my muse is an extremely sexual being, just like me, who likes to play and enjoy all the pleasures of the body.  That's one thing that ties us together.  But there was more over the past few months that we shared outside of sex or sexual conversations.  There are so many topics which we discussed and never really fully covered.  I want to finish our conversations on politics, religion, history, baseball.  I want to hear more of her thoughts on current events, on music, on why John Mayer should be considered a musician (j/k).  I want her to beat me at Scrabble, eventually.  I want to play strip Monopoly with her...Ok, that's back to the sex part, but one can never really get away from it, right?

I love her body, her soul, her spirit, her energy and I really admire her ability to make the best of it as I've seen her do on Facebook these past few weeks.

Funny.  I thought that putting these thoughts together would help me to feel better about my decision.  It turns out that typing this is actually making me feel like crap.  My heart is breaking all over again.  I miss her...

Cyber Stalking

So, yes, I can admit that I am not above cyber-stalking my muse.  I check on what's going on regularly, just to make sure that she's OK.  Really, I just want to know that she's happy.  Of course, our last conversation revealed to me that she could be happier and I want to do everything for her....

Anyway, I just found out through my surreptitious spying that she is taking classes in Spanish.  Perhaps she will be able to translate this:

"Te amo, mi amor, espero que estemos juntos muy pronto.  Ya sabes que no puedo vivir sin ti y que pienso en ti cada dia.  Eres tu en la que pienso cada dia al despertar.  No se como puedes resistir la tentacion de no hablar conmigo.  Yo solamente no llamo por la promesa que te di.  Espero con ansiedad el dia en que estemos juntos."

Ideas

So I have about half a dozen thoughts, ideas, titles, half finished stories and generally a bunch of other kernels of short (and long) stories that may eventually lead to a finished story.  Part of the problem is not having dedicated time to sit and write.  Another part of the problem is that when I do have time I could dedicate to writing, I end up doing other things like surfing the 'net, watching crap television or playing video games.  Sometimes I spend it playing the sax and that's not too bad a reason for not writing; at least I'm trading one type of art-form for another.

I've got a business trip next week to Minnesota, which means I'll have some plane time and, maybe, some time alone in the hotel.  I also won't have my sax with me so I am going to try to flesh out some of these stories and ideas.  Here is just a tease of the topics from stuff I've started, some of them are only titles; others are more developed.  I keep them in a folder called "Musings."

"Strangers in D.C."
"Parallel Lives"
"Smartphone Adventure"
"Conversations with Nell" (I just thought of this on my drive this morning)
"Stephan and Hubert"
...and a few others without title.

Wish me luck and send some thoughts my way, O Muse!

Writer's block

Wouldn't you know it.  I receive a call from my muse and get all giddy with delight.  Then, when I get a chance to sit down this weekend I stare frozen at my computer screen not knowing what to write.

Since I keep this blog completely separated from my day to day life (because it makes me feel like a super hero with a secret identity), I only get a one or two times during the weekend to post.   And I blew it!!!

O Muse, if you are out there, send me your inspiration, your thoughts, your soul.  Enchant my fingertips with your magic and help me write my prose.

Or maybe you did send your magic and there was a traffic jam of inspiration in my brain...I can't wait until it is dislodged and comes spewing out all over you.  I'll keep stroking my, er, pen.

Smiles, everyone, smiles!

Welcome to Fantasy Island!  I am your host, Mr. Rourke and this is my friend, Tatoo.



It is going to be a great Labor Day weekend.  Stay tuned.

I love you my muse

Today I found a missed call from my muse.  Unfortunately I wasn't near my phone to take it.  I hope she's OK.

Just the thought that she might try to call again is filling me with hope.  I love the way she makes me feel even when we don't talk.  She's always done that to me: made me feel giddy just thinking that she'll call.  Even 14 years ago, when we had just finished lunch and though she would call me in the afternoon.  I couldn't concentrate on work and would stare at the phone willing it to ring.

That was when I knew she was talking to me; before she said goodbye.  Now, even though we're not supposed to be talking, I still wait in anticipation for her call.

Not that I doubted it, but I never stopped and never will stop loving her.