I should have posted this before

So this blog is not exactly what I imagined it would be (what in life is?).

I should probably mention that the ex-girlfriend with whom I reconnected back in December is back in my life.  That was not the last conversation that we had.  In fact, we've had many.  Some of it is sexual, most of it is about other stuff:  intellectual conversations, marriage/parenting advice, catching up on what has transpired over the last decade, disagreeing on political and religious views, and Scrabble.

I still feel like I share a very strong chemistry with her.  I know that I love her and that I will never be able to live without her in my life.  So why is it that I can't drop everything and go to her?  Why am I still tied to the life I have? (which isn't bad...it's just not great)

I have explained to her, let's refer to her as My Muse, that the reason why I am not satisfied with my current life is that, while I love my wife and I would do anything to make her happy, she doesn't fulfill me the way I think she should.  I'm not sure that it is in her nature to be able to.  I explained it to My Muse in this way:  My wife drinks from my cup and I am happy to give from it just to make her happy, but My Muse fills my cup and makes me feel awesome about life.

I would have a wonderful existence with My Muse if only I was courageous enough to leave my wife and kids.  But it would be selfish of me to do it and abandon my family.  I've been accused of being selfish before, why can't I do this for myself now?

I couldn't do it

So I've been working with my wife to have a better sex life (with the help of another woman, but that's an entirely different story which I will relate another time).  It has been better lately and she seems to be opening up sexually.

This morning she was giving me a blowjob.  Something which I have asked her to do often and she has reluctantly agreed to do.  She began, of course, by saying, "All right, I might as well get this over with because I want some coffee."  What a turn on, huh?  As a guy, I really don't care how I get it as long as I do and I'm not going to back out of it no matter what she says.  She's done it before and it hasn't bothered me.  It is better than nothing, right?  There was only one problem:

I couldn't come.

  This made her feel frustrated and a failure and the harder she tried, the harder I know she was frustrated and the more difficult it became to feel right and climax.  After a while she stopped and we talked about it and she accused me of holding back and being in control.. Then she tried again and it still didn't work - which lead to further conversation.  Eventually, we gave up and as I was putting on my clothes she suggested we have sex.  Which we did and she had a good orgasm.  I'm still not sure I did - I may have.

Is something wrong with me?  I was definitely hard and could have come if I masturbated (she took offense when I began to stroke myself, saying "Why can't I do it?").  Is there something else?  Am I in love with someone else?

What the hell is going on?