It was a black dress.
He knew it would be a black dress...it usually was.
He sat quietly in the corner, trying not to be noticed. It was not as easy a task as one would expect in such a crowded bar. The waitress had immediately noticed him when he sat down and had rushed over to take his drink order. It was only after her fourth return trip that she realized that he was nursing his drink and how fruitless her tip-generating smile and cleavage would be. He wasn’t in the mood to flirt tonight. He was here for a purpose, although he did amuse himself by people watching - one of his favorite hobbies – before she walked in.
It was a fun enough pastime: observing other people’s fun. A bachelorette party in one corner, a first date in another, a group of office co-workers gathering for a drink, exhaustedly discussing today’s gossip. He could clearly see hints of an illicit office romance between the overly made up administrative assistant and the young up and coming professional. He briefly longed for that kind of freedom which these two had in their not to well hidden flirtations. In a younger life, it would have been him making the witty comments that gave the would-be party its life and character, while at the same time knowingly glancing at her, letting her know that it was all in her honor – as if she was the muse that enabled his charms. He wondered where they would end up tonight and if he or she would have to lie when they got home.
But this was not what he was here for tonight. Tonight was his ritual, his annual pilgrimage, his kept promise. He had arrived early not wanting to repeat previous mistakes. He had chosen an ideal spot; having to wait for a young couple who, for obvious reasons, had coveted the same hidden spot at the bar. After the girl’s cosmos and his vodka-tonics, they gathered the courage to move on with the festivities. He watched with amusement as the girl touched the guy’s arm and played with her hair constantly and more obsessively as the social lubrication from the drinks kicked in. Only after the guy’s third drink did he summon the courage to notice her hints and asked for the check. With a look of near relief she mouthed “okay” and got her purse. He quickly paid the bill and rushed her off to who knows where – although anyone watching closely knew exactly where.
How long had it been? How long had he been doing this? He didn’t dare to count; it would be too disappointing and probably embarrassing. He glanced at his watch; almost time. She was nothing if not punctual, a welcome change. He could count on her – at least he thought he could. This was his chance to remind himself of what could have been. His parallel life; his denied chance at… He couldn’t even dare to think it; it was too painful even now.
Finally, she walked into the room in her little black dress. Holding his hand. Had she changed? He couldn’t tell. He had been covertly spying on her via Facebook for a while now and watching her age with every new picture, every party, every vacation trip. He’d promised not to contact her, but that didn’t prevent him from keeping tabs. Only on this occasion did he risk it all by seeing her in person. And only once, the last time, did he suspect that she might be on to him, although he wasn’t sure. Still, almost getting caught wasn’t enough of a deterrent and here he was again.
She was surrounded by family and sat at the usual table. She seemed happy; that was important. His choice would have been much more painful if she wasn’t happy. He sat close enough to hear a distant conversation, but could not hear the details. He could tell that they had made a day of it. The exhausted smiles of a fun-filled day were on everyone’s face. Some out of place hair and flushed faces gave evidence of having been at the park or at the harbor. He imagined himself as part of the group, laughing and joking along with them; sharing an ice cream or grabbing some nearby stones to show off his juggling. But that was not to be, he knew now. He missed his chance.
Still, his other half, the one that didn’t’ regret his choice, knew that it had all been for the best. He had made a sane and rational choice. It would be a long flight home, but the following afternoon he would be back to his “real” life. His chosen life; the one filled with material success and the envy of all his friends. The life that, not long ago, he could not sacrifice even for the most honorable of reasons. It was the success that he had wished for as a child. Well, be careful what you ask for, as the proverb says.
He studied her closely, as if it might be for the last time. It could be. Despite the congenial smile on her face, he thought he detected a faint trace of apprehension. Maybe she could sense him nearby or maybe it was just more wishful thinking. He had been very careful, this was his only little indulgence and he would hate to lose this small freedom. Still, he thought, what if? Maybe it wasn’t too late for a second chance. Maybe she had seen him last time and said nothing in the hopes of another chance. No! He told himself. He can’t afford to go down that road.
He looked again, the apprehension in her face disappeared, and she was now excitedly talking to a cousin with a huge smile on her face as she discussed what could only be a recently received present. The thumping in his chest relaxed to its normal state. He felt relieved about not having to make that choice again. If he had it to do over again, he thought, would he go the same way? Having experienced what he had he wasn’t so sure. Yet, alls well that ends well and it all seemed to be as it should be. As if all that talk about waiting for fate to step in was worthless. And yet…
Still nursing his drink, he noticed her take a sip of hers and dare a glance around the room. His heart stopped. While everyone around her joked with the waitress she was quietly surveying the bar. Her eyes stopped as they spotted his location. Could she see him? It was a dark room; he was sure he was invisible. Her smile quickly answered his questions. Quickly, she composed herself and joined the conversation. No one even knew that her attention had deviated. She was very good at this.
He took one last sip of his scotch and rose from his chair.
