It wasn't very good, but it was a blowjob. Basically, I think it's the attitude that turns me off - she doesn't like to give them and it shows.
This is more what I had in mind:
http://www.pornotubia.com/details/253147/Wife_Gives_A_Meticulous_Blowjob.html
I wonder if I'll ever get anything close.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
I've lost a friend
My Muse is the person that was made for me, we are so aligned in our sexuality. When we parted a couple of days ago, I felt like a part of my soul was extricated; never to be replaced again except by her. But she sounded so hurt that I just had to let her go without letting her know that I would do anything to keep her from suffering.
Alas, we have parted ways once again. I can only hope that fate will bring us together - despite the fact that I tend not to believe in such things.
Despite the fact that I felt this way from the beginning, it is starting to dawn on me that I have also lost a very good friend. Someone I could share myself with without fear of repercussions. I have lost a sounding board, a counselor, an advisor. Someone who would tell me if I was full of shit. She was/is a true friend.
I know I'm being selfish by wanting her back - and that she is probably much happier living her life right now, without being torn apart by conflicting interests. And yet....
In her last note to me she mentioned that I need to record my life so that, when we meet again, I can re-live it with her once more. Perhaps that is what I need to do with this blog.
Thank you, my dear readers (of which there are none) for putting up with my ramblings. We will now return to our regularly scheduled blog. No need to readjust your set, the description of the blog will now be the true reflection of the mission. and as every Little League coach has said, "Let's have some fun out there."
Alas, we have parted ways once again. I can only hope that fate will bring us together - despite the fact that I tend not to believe in such things.
Despite the fact that I felt this way from the beginning, it is starting to dawn on me that I have also lost a very good friend. Someone I could share myself with without fear of repercussions. I have lost a sounding board, a counselor, an advisor. Someone who would tell me if I was full of shit. She was/is a true friend.
I know I'm being selfish by wanting her back - and that she is probably much happier living her life right now, without being torn apart by conflicting interests. And yet....
In her last note to me she mentioned that I need to record my life so that, when we meet again, I can re-live it with her once more. Perhaps that is what I need to do with this blog.
Thank you, my dear readers (of which there are none) for putting up with my ramblings. We will now return to our regularly scheduled blog. No need to readjust your set, the description of the blog will now be the true reflection of the mission. and as every Little League coach has said, "Let's have some fun out there."
Monday, April 19, 2010
Today she said goodbye
I don't accept it. I know that we will speak again, that we will see each other. But somehow this time it was a sad goodbye and I know that she is hurting.
Today she said goodbye.
And I know I will always be here for her, but in her mind she has lost me and that is the saddest thing I can imagine happening to her. I wish I could make it all better, that I could throw this all away and go to her. I know now that I can - it's just a matter of deciding.
Today she said goodbye.
But I refuse to let her go.
Today she said goodbye.
And I know I will always be here for her, but in her mind she has lost me and that is the saddest thing I can imagine happening to her. I wish I could make it all better, that I could throw this all away and go to her. I know now that I can - it's just a matter of deciding.
Today she said goodbye.
But I refuse to let her go.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
What do I do now?
She unfriended me on Facebook, she cancelled her gmail account. I wonder if she'll take my phone calls.
She did manage to say goodbye before she did it; but it still leaves me with a deep, empty feeling. Is it the fact that she rejected me or is there more to it? (I think I know the answer to that).
I have a wife and kids...and a life. She has a husband and kids and a life. We have no business being together, and yet...
I will treasure the moments we had together, the laughs, the discourses, the lust, the scotch. I refuse to believe that it is over. And because of that, I know that it is not.
But for now I will just love her from afar.
Au revoir, My Muse
She did manage to say goodbye before she did it; but it still leaves me with a deep, empty feeling. Is it the fact that she rejected me or is there more to it? (I think I know the answer to that).
I have a wife and kids...and a life. She has a husband and kids and a life. We have no business being together, and yet...
I will treasure the moments we had together, the laughs, the discourses, the lust, the scotch. I refuse to believe that it is over. And because of that, I know that it is not.
But for now I will just love her from afar.
Au revoir, My Muse
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Holy Shit! I am having a midlife crisis.
Some of you may wonder why I even need an alter ego. Why this need to escape from the life that I have. A lot of people who know me in my "real" life would be surprised at the fact that my marriage isn't perfect. This is a typical conversation lately:
Me: "I understand that we are not in a place where we need to be for you to be happy; it's just going to take a while. In the meantime you should enjoy the ride and not worry about the destination-be happy with what we have and where we are."
Her: "But there's nothing to be happy about. What is there to enjoy?"
I then point out that the fact that we have a home, our kids go to good schools (as good as they can be in the US), music lessons, Disney passes. We have to nice cars, etc. Apparently this is not good enough.
It is then that I realize that I've spent the last 16 years trying to make someone happy that is not capable of being happy. At least not without winning the lottery, apparently. When we were doing better financially, she was unhappy because she could not quit her job. Now she resents having to work while the children grew up - and missed their childhood. I know things aren't perfect right now, but they're getting better. The only question is: Will it ever be good enough?
I am having a midlife crisis because I have reached a point in my life where I am being selfish. I want to enjoy life as it is; of course I always have. But I would like to be able to get from her more than "What if we do this?" and "Why can't we go to Hawaii like all our other friends?" I've spent the last 16 years giving of myself and assuming that I can be happy anywhere in any situation, which is true, but now I want to be happy WITH someone and not despite them. Our kids are going to suffer as well. Our oldest already has that disposition of not being happy with anything. He thinks his life is horrible and unfair. We've had to sit him down and let him know how good he has it and how much worse it could be (Living in a one bedroom 800ft house with two adults and three kids being one of them). The younger one has a better disposition and life will be good for him- but he seems to crave more and more attention because he's not getting much. My efforts right now are on my wife, my oldest son and doing better at my job so we can have a better life.
I wonder also whether this is something that's come about naturally or whether I am being more selfish because I have found someone who really appreciates me and loves me (see previous posts). I hate to think that the only reason I'm being this "brave" and letting her know that I am unhappy is that there is a safety net for me. That I can lose what I have and would have someone waiting for me. I'm not that type of guy.
Like I said before, this is not the way this blog is supposed to go. Thanks for indulging me. I will stop bringing my "other" life into this and post some fun stuff later.
Victor
Me: "I understand that we are not in a place where we need to be for you to be happy; it's just going to take a while. In the meantime you should enjoy the ride and not worry about the destination-be happy with what we have and where we are."
Her: "But there's nothing to be happy about. What is there to enjoy?"
I then point out that the fact that we have a home, our kids go to good schools (as good as they can be in the US), music lessons, Disney passes. We have to nice cars, etc. Apparently this is not good enough.
It is then that I realize that I've spent the last 16 years trying to make someone happy that is not capable of being happy. At least not without winning the lottery, apparently. When we were doing better financially, she was unhappy because she could not quit her job. Now she resents having to work while the children grew up - and missed their childhood. I know things aren't perfect right now, but they're getting better. The only question is: Will it ever be good enough?
I am having a midlife crisis because I have reached a point in my life where I am being selfish. I want to enjoy life as it is; of course I always have. But I would like to be able to get from her more than "What if we do this?" and "Why can't we go to Hawaii like all our other friends?" I've spent the last 16 years giving of myself and assuming that I can be happy anywhere in any situation, which is true, but now I want to be happy WITH someone and not despite them. Our kids are going to suffer as well. Our oldest already has that disposition of not being happy with anything. He thinks his life is horrible and unfair. We've had to sit him down and let him know how good he has it and how much worse it could be (Living in a one bedroom 800ft house with two adults and three kids being one of them). The younger one has a better disposition and life will be good for him- but he seems to crave more and more attention because he's not getting much. My efforts right now are on my wife, my oldest son and doing better at my job so we can have a better life.
I wonder also whether this is something that's come about naturally or whether I am being more selfish because I have found someone who really appreciates me and loves me (see previous posts). I hate to think that the only reason I'm being this "brave" and letting her know that I am unhappy is that there is a safety net for me. That I can lose what I have and would have someone waiting for me. I'm not that type of guy.
Like I said before, this is not the way this blog is supposed to go. Thanks for indulging me. I will stop bringing my "other" life into this and post some fun stuff later.
Victor
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