Some of you may wonder why I even need an alter ego. Why this need to escape from the life that I have. A lot of people who know me in my "real" life would be surprised at the fact that my marriage isn't perfect. This is a typical conversation lately:
Me: "I understand that we are not in a place where we need to be for you to be happy; it's just going to take a while. In the meantime you should enjoy the ride and not worry about the destination-be happy with what we have and where we are."
Her: "But there's nothing to be happy about. What is there to enjoy?"
I then point out that the fact that we have a home, our kids go to good schools (as good as they can be in the US), music lessons, Disney passes. We have to nice cars, etc. Apparently this is not good enough.
It is then that I realize that I've spent the last 16 years trying to make someone happy that is not capable of being happy. At least not without winning the lottery, apparently. When we were doing better financially, she was unhappy because she could not quit her job. Now she resents having to work while the children grew up - and missed their childhood. I know things aren't perfect right now, but they're getting better. The only question is: Will it ever be good enough?
I am having a midlife crisis because I have reached a point in my life where I am being selfish. I want to enjoy life as it is; of course I always have. But I would like to be able to get from her more than "What if we do this?" and "Why can't we go to Hawaii like all our other friends?" I've spent the last 16 years giving of myself and assuming that I can be happy anywhere in any situation, which is true, but now I want to be happy WITH someone and not despite them. Our kids are going to suffer as well. Our oldest already has that disposition of not being happy with anything. He thinks his life is horrible and unfair. We've had to sit him down and let him know how good he has it and how much worse it could be (Living in a one bedroom 800ft house with two adults and three kids being one of them). The younger one has a better disposition and life will be good for him- but he seems to crave more and more attention because he's not getting much. My efforts right now are on my wife, my oldest son and doing better at my job so we can have a better life.
I wonder also whether this is something that's come about naturally or whether I am being more selfish because I have found someone who really appreciates me and loves me (see previous posts). I hate to think that the only reason I'm being this "brave" and letting her know that I am unhappy is that there is a safety net for me. That I can lose what I have and would have someone waiting for me. I'm not that type of guy.
Like I said before, this is not the way this blog is supposed to go. Thanks for indulging me. I will stop bringing my "other" life into this and post some fun stuff later.
Victor
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