I should have posted this before

So this blog is not exactly what I imagined it would be (what in life is?).

I should probably mention that the ex-girlfriend with whom I reconnected back in December is back in my life.  That was not the last conversation that we had.  In fact, we've had many.  Some of it is sexual, most of it is about other stuff:  intellectual conversations, marriage/parenting advice, catching up on what has transpired over the last decade, disagreeing on political and religious views, and Scrabble.

I still feel like I share a very strong chemistry with her.  I know that I love her and that I will never be able to live without her in my life.  So why is it that I can't drop everything and go to her?  Why am I still tied to the life I have? (which isn't bad...it's just not great)

I have explained to her, let's refer to her as My Muse, that the reason why I am not satisfied with my current life is that, while I love my wife and I would do anything to make her happy, she doesn't fulfill me the way I think she should.  I'm not sure that it is in her nature to be able to.  I explained it to My Muse in this way:  My wife drinks from my cup and I am happy to give from it just to make her happy, but My Muse fills my cup and makes me feel awesome about life.

I would have a wonderful existence with My Muse if only I was courageous enough to leave my wife and kids.  But it would be selfish of me to do it and abandon my family.  I've been accused of being selfish before, why can't I do this for myself now?