She asked me to love her...I already do.
She asked me to be with her...I was.
She asked me to spend the rest of my life with her...I can't.
Yesterday she said goodbye.
Perhaps I am the silly boy which she accuses me to be. Maybe I am a fool for making the choices I've made. I don't know; it certainly doesn't feel good. It probably wouldn't feel good if I chose differently either. I'm stuck.
Do I sacrifice the psyches of my children and the life that I've built around me for the sake of my heart? Isn't that what all the romance novels, love stories and sonnets ask us to do? The reality is much harder. How can I look my son in the face and tell him that I'm leaving? How can I face the seething hate of a spouse when I tell her that she can no longer lean on me? Or are these just excuses because I am just a silly boy who doesn't want to jump into the pool for fear that he might drown...
Yesterday she said goodbye.
And I miss her. But it's only just one day. Maybe it will get easier; maybe in a week I won't feel as wounded when I picture her mouthing out the words to me "silly boy" and walking away at the airport terminal. I know that I am deluding myself by thinking that she will always be there. I don't know how she can be after what I've done to hurt her. She put herself on the line (once again) and I turned away. How can I do such a thing to her? Why would she come back? Why would she believe me again? Ever?
Is it that important to me to keep my promises? I guess it is. I guess it will have to be. It is the only thing remaining in my life: to keep my promises. I will do it in her honor. I will do it for our love. I will be the strong man that she expects me to be - the man that she expects. Even if she is not there to witness it - even if she's not here to read this.
I will keep all my promises: from signing my credit cards to getting that mole checked out to being a good father and husband. I will fulfill my potential because of her. She's already made me a better man and what does she get in return?
Yesterday she said goodbye.
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